


Modify and Harmonize

by kate7h



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, Pre-battle of Shiganshina, Shiganshina Trio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 02:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5849674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate7h/pseuds/kate7h
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After plugging the hole in Shiganshina, Eren and Mikasa find some time to talk. Slightly AU-ish for if there was actually time to squeeze this in between that and when the battle begins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Modify and Harmonize

**Author's Note:**

> This just started out as a free-write to see if I could get these two to talk about something meaningful for more than two minutes. Ugh,,.. they can be so uncommunicative.

Eren guessed technically, Shiganshina was a war zone. Actually all of the inside of Wall Maria was, but this town especially. The rubble littered the streets, as well as the people who were left behind. Skeletons of the dead were strewn about nearly everywhere he looked. It chilled him to the bone, even as he stepped over a long since dried puddle of browned blood. 

Yes, Shiganshina was a war zone, and it had the body count to prove it

They arrived and plugged the hole. He'd done it, so much more easily than he could've believed. He wanted to feel triumphant, relieved, but he didn't. It just felt like they were waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

So wait they did. 

Despite the sun shining down on them, Eren felt cold. He shivered, pulling the cloak Mikasa had given him tighter around himself. He glanced over at her, she sitting on the steps near him. There were no visible signs of being cold, but he could see how she pushed her face deeper into the scarf. Eren looked down, scratching awkwardly at his hand. 

He shrugged it off and looked around at the very familiar sight. They were waiting in a neighborhood near to the gate, near where he'd lived and grown up. If he ignored the debris and corpses and the overall  _ emptiness _ of it, he could've imagined he was ten years old again, running through the streets with Armin and Mikasa by his side. 

But he wasn't, and neither were they, children anymore. He looked up, watching Armin speak with the Commander a ways off. Probably discussing what to do next. That was good. Armin was one of the smartest minds in history, Eren was sure, so it was good he was collaborating with Erwin, another literal genius. 

Mikasa was there, at the moment giving a piece of her rationed carrot to her horse. 

Eren stood, suddenly feeling like he couldn't sit still. This place and the memories and how everything was so different replaying in his mind. He just needed to move. 

"Captain," he addressed Levi as he walked over.

Levi eyed him. "What is it, Eren?" 

Eren glanced around the buildings again, trying not to see the bones sticking out from underneath a boulder. "Is it alright if I go for a walk? I just need to, I don't know, clear my head…"

Levi looked around the street quickly, then back to Eren. "Don't get out of sight. And don't go alone."

Eren nodded. "I won't. Thank you, sir."

He moved back to where Mikasa was, still feeding bits of carrot to her horse. As he approached, she looked up. "Eren."

"You should eat your own food, you know," he commented, gesturing at the carrot. 

Mikasa shrugged. "I'm not that hungry."

He would have argued more, but it didn't matter so much. The carrot was gone now. He'd get her later if he caught her doing it again. Honestly she was one of the strongest of them, if he had to take care of himself, then so did she.

Eren huffed out a breath. "You busy?"

She blinked at him, then shook her head. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to walk around a bit."

Mikasa patted her horse's nose once more, then turned to follow him.

They walked slowly, remaining on the same, straight road to maintain visual contact with their squad. It felt strange, to move so slow, to see everything like this. He almost felt like he should grab Mikasa's hand and run, making the buildings blur as they ran past them. That was how it had always been. Moving too fast, speaking too loud, fighting too hard. Children living carefree in their own little world. It had only been five years since then.

Eren rubbed a hand over his face.  _ Damn, time moves way too fast,  _ he thought uneasily. Surely he was sixteen by now. 

He glanced at Mikasa, her impassive face. From the outside she looked unaffected. Yet there was a tautness to her eyes as she stared straight ahead. Eren wasn't sure though. Even after the years he knew her, he still wasn't sure if he could always read her. She was so solid, so strong. 

He looked down, kicking a rock with the toe of his boot. 

"Did you ever think we'd return here?" He said quietly. "Before all  _ this  _ happened…" As he spoke, gesturing at himself.

"This…" Mikasa repeated, in a monotone voice, not a question. 

Eren dropped his hand. "Yeah. I don't know."

He let it go, kicking another rock for good measure. It really wasn't that important. They were here now, so-

"I didn't want to," Mikasa stated, still maintaining her eye contact with nothing. 

Eren blinked. "Why?"

"Because I knew what we'd see," Mikasa said plainly. "It's not like anyone was going to come back and clean up…"

He swallowed dryly. That was a good point. "We can go back, if you want."

Mikasa shook her head. "It's alright. I wanted to walk around too."

He eyed her at that. It seemed like a lie, but again, Eren couldn't tell sometimes. Still, he looked down, trying not to feel bad for asking her to come. He'd asked because he knew she would come, just because he had asked. He could've brought someone else. She didn't have to agree if she didn't really want to.

He sighed, glancing around again to find themselves in a very familiar place. The small patch of grass beside the steps up to a patio where many people hung their laundry. This was where Armin told him about the outside world, where the two, and then three of them, spent countless hours dreaming and imagining bigger and better things. And thankfully, it was more or less untouched by debris, and the area was clear of the dead. It looked like how it was supposed to. 

Eren turned, grasping Mikasa's sleeve. "C'mon."

The grass was long now, since there was no one living there anymore to trim it. He'd always liked it when it got like that, it was easier to pull his fingers through the strands that way. It was cool beneath his knees, moist against his palms. Almost automatically, Eren laid down, letting it seep into the back of his- Mikasa's- cloak, the hood sliding down underneath him. Mikasa sat down next to him, kneeling beside his hand with her hands folded in her lap. 

The breeze blew by, lifting his hair off his forehead. Despite the slight chill in the air, it felt good. Fresh and more free than he'd felt in a long while. The sky above them was clear, blue stretching out, past the wall and out to the next horizon. He breathed, feeling his muscles begin to relax.

"This almost feels like it had always been," he muttered, watching  the clouds cross the sky. "So many days we'd just sit here and dream of bigger things, being in the scouts and seeing what the outside world had for us. Sitting here now… everything's changed."

He closed his eyes, trying not to think of all the pain and crazy, unbelievable things they've lived through. Everything was so different from when they'd sat, oblivious dreamers. All that was left of those days were the memories, every one of them now coming up to the surface of his mind.

But opening his eyes again, he could see that he was wrong. "No, actually, not everything's changed."

Mikasa didn't speak, but she tilted her head in question.

"You're still here, sitting next to me." Eren said, his voice soft. He remembered not too long ago when that fact would have annoyed him. She was always there, most times too close, too overbearing, too good at everything he wanted to be. 

"Even that's changed though," he realized, speaking slowly.

"What?" Mikasa replied, confusion in her face.

He turned his head to look up at her once more. "We're different now, aren't we? We've changed, all three of us."

Mikasa blinked slowly, then pulled her knees to her chest. "We've all grown up. We couldn't remain children forever."

"Yeah, but it's not just that. Nothing in our lives is that simple," Eren said, sitting up. It couldn't be just that. He knew what had changed in himself, and he knew how Armin had changed; he'd spoken with him about this before. But Mikasa's changes were different, and he was just starting to realize how much so, now that he thought about it. "What's changed you, Mikasa?"

She looked at him, startlement on her face, and then Eren realized how much of a personal question that was. He'd never thought to be concerned with something like that before, especially with her. "Sorry, it's none of my business-"

"No, it's alright," Mikasa waved him off. "I'll tell you."

Eren internally swore, waiting as she looked down, presumably gathering her thoughts. Honestly, he hadn't expected to open a can of worms. He was just talking, not really thinking about what he was saying.

"I think the moment that changed me the most, or at least started the change, was when Armin told me that you were dead," she carried on bluntly. "And I felt like I had died too."

Eren winced. That day in Trost. Honestly, he didn't think he'd spoken to her about any of it. Not like this. He couldn't help as his eyes were drawn to that scar on her face, the one he'd given, and winced again. He hadn't even apologized for doing that, mostly he just wanted to forget it had happened, forget that he was capable of all the horrifying things he knew he was capable of when not in control of himself in that state. He put that from his mind for now and kept quiet, listening as she continued. 

"I ran out of gas, and I was just sitting there. I couldn't bring myself to move. I didn't want to," Mikasa said, looking anywhere but at his widening eyes.

"Because I had it in my mind that I'd failed. I failed you, and I failed Ms. Carla. I promised to protect you, and I let you die."

"That's-"

"I know. That's screwed up logic. I know that now, I knew that then, and I didn't care." She looked up, looking him in the eye. "You were right. I couldn't enforce those selfish rules. I couldn't protect you because I had only trusted myself to do it. So when you died, in that round about way, I made it my fault."

Eren sat, listening in quiet horror. If things had been different, she could've been gone by the time he'd come to. Another casualty of war. All because of her stupid idea that her only role in life was as his protector. 

_ Idiot _ .

She shook her head. "When I ran out of gas, I gave up, ready to let that Titan have me. I was ready to sit there and let that happen. But… I realized that I couldn't. I wouldn't, even if I had wanted to die. I couldn't stop, because I didn't want to disappear. I didn't want everything I knew and remembered of you to die with me."

Mikasa shifted, rubbing at her arms as if she were cold. "Before that, though, I took command. I rallied the other squads of cadets into fighting, to running headfirst into battle. But I didn't take up that responsibility, I didn't feel it. I urged them forward, and let them fall when I did. Their deaths, unlike yours, were actually my fault. And I can't take that back."

He nodded. Whether that was her fault or not, anyone of the survivors could twist logic to make fellow soldiers death's their own fault. Eren knew, he had definitely done it. He he could name so many people whose blood was on his hands, and he knew that that number was nowhere near the actual amount of death he was to blame for.

Taking in a deep breath, Mikasa continued again. "What's changed me, Eren, is that I've had to learn that I'm not nearly as strong as I thought I was. I can't take on such responsibilities so cavalierly. And I can't always protect you."

"Don't you trust me to do that myself yet?" Eren asked, almost feeling like he was making a joke. He wasn't, his voice was shaking, but it would've been easy to convince himself.

But she actually smiled, a tiny smile that barely touched her lips, so he supposed it was alright. "I've had to learn to. I have faith in you to keep on staying alive. And I have faith in the Captain and the squad. I know I can't do it on my own, and neither can you, so I believe in them as well."

Eren nodded again. Before, she'd been so preoccupied with only him, it was distracting from the main goals. And frankly, really really annoying. Only a few months ago, he was happy to ditch her any moment he could. It was good the both of them had grown and changed. He was happy for her presence now, it was a relief in the face of their current problems.

"I'm glad for that. It's better that way," he replied. "It's probably easier too, huh?"

Mikasa touched her scarf, bringing up to her chin. "Yes and no. Change is never easy."

"That's true. It's a fight, one way or another," Eren said, with far less flames in his heart than if he were saying this before. "You fight for it or against it, but it's a fight all the same."

"Those who don't fight die," Mikasa muttered, and Eren was brought back to that dark afternoon in the rain. The words those men- those  _ monsters  _ had said, a little girl he didn't know on the floor; the rush of rage and despair and sick inside him as his small, frozen hands were thawed by the heat of their blood.

_ Fight! Fight if you wanna live! _

"Yeah," he replied. 

He leaned back again, holding himself up with his hands, looking up at the blue sky once more. "How do you want things to be, after we win?"

It was a hopeful wish, using that assurance that they actually would. It wasn't sure. In his not-so-great moments, he barely believed they even could. But today, the sun was bright, and Shiganshina was quiet. The hole in the wall sealed. They'd fought hard. A win seemed like it was owed to them.

Mikasa's face was even a bit more open, that small smile still on her lips. "I'd like to live quietly, I don't know where. Perhaps at Armin's ocean with him and you." She looked at him, her eyes warm, but saddened as if she knew this was just pretend. "I don't want to fight forever."

He didn't reply for a moment, taking that in. The entire time he had known Mikasa, he knew that she was a fighter. When push came to shove, she was the strongest person he'd even known, rivaled only by Captain Levi. To hear a person like that didn't want to continue to fight, it was strangely eye-opening.

"What about you?" Mikasa asked. 

Eren looked up, out at the sky past the wall. To whatever horizon that there was for him to meet, he would. "I want the same thing I've always wanted: to see the outside world for myself. I want to see the fire lands and fields of sand, and actually taste to see if the ocean is as salty as Armin says."

"You're going to lick the ocean?" Mikasa asked, her voice on the edge of snide, which meant she was  _ definitely _ being snide. 

"Yeah! And if you're there, I'll splash some in your face so you can taste it too!"

They both laughed, the sound of it feeling like it was easing something taut in his chest. He couldn't remember the last time they had been like this. It was nice.

"Well, I'll be there with you," Mikasa continued as they settled. "Where you go, I want to go."

That sobered him up. It was no surprise, she said a lot of stuff like that. But even after that whole talk about not trying to protect him on her own, she was still talking like this. He could have very easily rolled his eyes and brushed her off in annoyance, but he didn't feel it so much anymore. 

"Why don't you follow your own dream?" He asked in genuine sincerity, albeit  _ a little _ annoyance at her for disregarding her own desires for him. 

Mikasa blinked, as if she were expecting some sort of backlash.  _ Sorry _ , he couldn't help but think at that. 

He scratched at his face, and when she didn't reply, he sighed. "Seriously, you just told me you wanted to settle down for a peaceful life. That's a good goal to reach for. You don't have to sacrifice what you want for yourself to follow me."

Mikasa frowned, side-eyeing him with a look he couldn't read. "Why would I want that life by myself?"

Eren shifted his feet, looking down. He felt guilty, almost like he was preventing her from following her dreams because he would follow his own. Why did she have to be like this?

"I said that I would settle down by the ocean, so we have to find it first, don't we?" Mikasa continued, another wider smile breaking across her face, and for a moment the sun seemed to shine brighter, catching the lighter browns in her hair. 

"My wish is to just be with you, Eren. For as long as I can." She turned to him, the smile softening her face as her cheeks turned pink. "You're a… very important person to me."

Eren stared at her, unsure of what or how he should be feeling. But Mikasa was just sitting there, smiling at him with the warm sunlight on her face and he'd never really given a thought to how  _ beautiful _ she was until that moment. And she was, so gorgeous. Marred only by the scar he'd given her, but it was barely there now, visible really only to him.

She looked down again, burying her face in the scarf. It was almost as if she wasn't even expecting any answer. What'd she take him for, some kind of mute?

"Mikasa, I-" he stopped, not really knowing how to respond. When did it get so complicated? Wasn't this simple just a few moments ago? 

Just then, a flare went up for all squads to rendezvous with their squad leaders and the rest of the company. Mikasa stood quickly and moved to follow back to where Squad Levi was stationed. At least, until Eren reached out and stopped her, his hand grasped on her forearm. 

"Eren?"

He slid his hand down to hers as he moved around to stand in front of her. Eren smiled sadly at her surprised face. "You're a really important person to me too, and… sorry…" he trailed off, then shook his head. "Sorry I don't let you know that enough, but it's true. I don't know where I would be today without you by my side."

She looked at him with shining eyes.  _ Really, how dramatic.  _ So he just squeezed her hand before letting go again. "C'mon, let's get back."

Mikasa smiled once more, then nodded. "Okay."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope to read your thoughts and comments!


End file.
